Source: Papaioannou Kostas/Unsplash Involuntary celibates, also called “incels,” have clamored, raged, and sometimes violently expressed themselves to the world that they are entitled to sex and relationships. While there are some female incels, the majority of those who identify with this label are young men who feel aggrieved and view sex with others as a God-given right denied to them by society. They feel rejected and see themselves as being outcasts or pariahs.
Having worked with a few clients who identify with the incel traits, what I’ve learned is that incels need to learn how to excel. First off, excelling isn’t about having sex. It isn’t about being in a relationship with someone else. If anything, it’s about learning to be in an honest relationship with yourself.
It’s taking a deep inventory of who you are, your sense of identity, and all of the experiences (i.e., family, cultural and environmental) that have shaped your attitudes, beliefs about others, masculinity, competency, and worth.
What I’ve discovered with the incels I’ve worked with is a deep sense of shame. A feeling so deep and intractable that the shame redirects itself outward and is externalized as a boiling rage or hatred towards both men and women in society whom they feel inferior towards.
Beyond the personal feelings of shame, inadequacy, and defectiveness are also deep relational wounds to the heart that remain unresolved. Ruptures in significant relationships are common. A lack of affirming and nurturing male figures is also prominent. For example, an individual's father was physically absent, emotionally absent, or possibly both. Left feeling abandoned or alone, they find solace in other peers who feel justified in blaming others for their “condition.” In essence, they are often living examples of "the blind leading the blind" without a man of honor, humility, and spiritual leadership in sight.
Keep in mind, we live in an age that is highly connected technically (i.e., social media, cell phone, internet) yet may also be the most relationally disconnected generation we’ve experienced. If you grow up with few real relationships where you can learn, laugh, play, and just “shoot the breeze,” then what are you left with? Unfortunately, we’re seeing some of the consequences with the growth and rise of the self-described “incel” community. It’s a community lost in its own search for identity, meaning, and love. They feel they’ve rediscovered themselves with their own labels and version of toxic masculinity.
If male incels want to heal, they’ll need a new version of masculinity beyond the stance of being victims. Instead, they’ll have to look at their own life, deconstruct it, and live a new life with passion and purpose based on integrity and not one filled with vitriol, hate, and violence. Fortunately, there is a way out, but it's one where responsibility takes center stage and blaming others exits stage left.
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