Source: Unsplash On Wednesdays, Dr. Jen answers your questions about social media. Need some advice? Submit a question anonymously here.
Dear Dr. Jen,
My wife and I share a computer. Last week, I sat down and saw she'd left herself logged in on Facebook. Her chat window was open and I saw she was sending messages with her ex-boyfriend from high school (we are both in our 40s now). They were flirtatious - talking about how he was "the best she ever had" and how she fantasized about him. I didn't read much, but I saw a lot just in the screen that was open.
I freaked out, logged her off, and haven't said anything about it to her, but I can't stop thinking about it. I don't think she is meeting him in person, but this is driving me crazy. Should I tell her what I saw? Is it even bad what she was doing, or is this a normal thing people do on Facebook?
-JJ
Dear JJ,
What's okay or not okay in a conversation with an ex doesn't differ because of the platform it takes place on. You don't seem to have a relationship with your wife where you would be ok with her saying those things to her ex in person or on the phone, so you don't have to be ok with her doing it on Facebook.
You are absolutely right to be upset about this. I think you do need to have a conversation with your wife, but first, figure out what the core issue is. Has she flirted with other people (or taken it farther and cheated) before? In that case, this incident might be part of a bigger conversation about what kind of loyalty and behavior you expect in your marriage. Is this out of character for her? If so, do you think she is doing this because of this guy in particular (like maybe she never got over him) or are there problems with your marriage?
Based on what she wrote, she likely would have known it would put your marriage at risk if you found out (and it's awfully convenient that she left that chat window open for you to see - almost intentional, don't you think?). Is she putting it at risk because she is unhappy about how things or going, because she really wants to be with this guy, or something else?
You may not be able to answer all those questions before the conversation, but take a little time to honestly analyze her past behavior and the state of your marriage. Then, have the conversation. Prepare for her to be defensive at first and to try to turn the conversation away from the issue and toward you reading her chat messages. Don't be derailed. You can have a privacy conversation, but don't mix the two together. Ask her why she would be disloyal in this way and what she feels is missing between the two of you. That will start you down the path toward figuring out how to fix what's wrong or finding another resolution if it can't be fixed.
Do write with an update if you can. Good luck with what will be a tough conversation!
-Dr. Jen
On Wednesdays, Dr. Jen answers your advice questions about social media. Have a question of your own? Submit it anonymously here.
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