This post is not simply academic for me. The events of the last few years have required me to constantly revisit what works and recommit to practicing what I share.
- My husband was born in Kyiv, Ukraine. The city and country where he grew up have been reduced to rubble and tombstones. Every week, the news is filled with more horror stories of people being hurt, oppressed, and exploited around the world, of historic lands and precious habitats disappearing. My own community is also full of tragic examples of lives and dreams cut short.
- This week, my husband and I feel deeply affected by the war in the Middle East. We are both long-time peacemakers working to connect people across differences and Soviet Jewish refugees whose families had a choice to escape into either the U.S. or Israel in the late 1970s.
- Yesterday morning, a friend shared that she didn’t feel like getting out of bed to face another day of war, bloodshed, civilian deaths, and leaders bent on revenge over reason. She said that she tried to pray for “peace in the world,” but her prayers felt hollow and did not ease her pain or combat her feelings of despair.
When large-scale events out of our control occur, we often respond with a mixture of anger, blame, and despair. We feel outrage and pain about what is happening while simultaneously feeling relatively powerless to make a meaningful difference.
Our actions come from attempts to fulfill universal human needs that have helped us survive and thrive for millennia, such as the need for:
- Understanding (making sense of complex situations as a way to ground ourselves)
- Connection (bonding with others around our strong feelings and emerging thoughts)
- Validation (confirmation that we are not alone, that our views and needs matter)
- Community and belonging (getting through difficult times by seeking the company of like-minded others)
- Compassion and contribution (wanting to help, wanting to make things better)
- Fairness and justice (wanting the world to reflect our ethical and moral values; wanting balance and wholeness)
While the needs described above may be universal and ubiquitous, not all strategies used to meet these needs are helpful to us or others. Some strategies can fuel our anger or despair, while others empower and connect us.1
What does psychological science suggest can be helpful at times like this? And what do we know about strategies that make things worse?
Here is how I am putting these into practice for myself.
Cultivating Compassion
Traditional compassion meditation (Metta) asks you to send loving-kindness to yourself, people you care about, a person with whom you are struggling, and then all living beings. I have adopted it to the current wars in the Middle East and Ukraine by reciting the following wishes, prayers, and intentions daily for:
- All those working for a more peaceful world. May we hold on to our sense of hope and possibility. May we keep chipping away at hatred and division and mistrust. May we keep believing that together we cultivate the soil and plant the seeds, that we can still do small things with great love, and that it matters. May we have peace.
- Those in direct communication with the leaders of the conflicts. May they be given divine inspiration and intuition. May they be given the right words, the right story, the right metaphor, and the right moment to open the hearts of those in power, of those making the decisions. May they find a way, a path through the brambles, a guiding light that leads them in the right direction. May they find peace.
- The leaders of the conflicts on all sides. May their hearts be softened. May they see the world reflected in the eyes of their grandchildren. May they become free of the grip of fear and justification. May they find the freedom to choose a different way. May they become open to peace.
- All beings. May all beings find refuge, safety, hope, and peace among the turmoil. May all beings, everywhere, be free of pain and suffering. May all beings live in peace.
Practicing Possibility Self-Talk
Some of my “possibility self-talk” centers around reminders to myself that we have found a way to end other “intractable” conflicts throughout history (e.g., Northern Ireland, Sierra Leone). Although much healing and reconciliation remains to be done in such places, they have found a way to cease the bloodshed and move toward building a different future together. Therefore, there is always hope.
THE BASICSThe other belief I try to cultivate is a version of “think global, act local.” I try to remind myself that the local seeds we plant around dialogue, reconciliation, kindness, constructive conversations, perspective taking, and active listening all matter in their own small ways. We are cultivating the soil, we are practicing listening to each other, and we are rehearsing nonviolence and noncompliance with the status quo so that we can resist divisiveness and practice compassion together—whenever it is needed.
Charging Batteries
I tend to fall into the battery-draining category at the beginning of each new distressing event, whether it be Ukraine or Afghanistan or Maui or the Middle East. I lose myself in searching for information and answers. I stay up too late and get up too early, and abandon all forms of self-care. And then, after a few days, I recommit to my well-being. I rein in my news consumption by making the goal being informed, not obsessive, and by keeping the updates to a specific time of day (not before bed!). I rein in my thoughts and stories about the world, because I construct my reality, not the news.
Stress Essential Reads
Sanitizing Mental Health Creates Emotional Superbugs 
Research Reveals That Sound and Frequency Can Reduce Stress I am gentle with myself about losing my way and gentle with myself about slowly making my way back to that which sustains me: movement, meditation, social support, gratitude, compassion, and hope.
If we are to be the change we want to see in the world, we cannot get there on a diet of rage and despair; we must fuel ourselves with purpose, possibility, nurturing of other people, and positive practices.
1 The specific needs and strategies described in this post are not geared towards those directly affected by war and violence, close family and friends of people who are directly affected, or emergency personnel. These individuals have immediate and dire needs and realities that are different from those described in this post, and are beyond its scope.
Responding to Stressful Events More Effectively Infographic Source: Elaine Shpungin at Conflict 180