Source: SzPhotos/Pixabay Free Photo Here are 10 additional reasons (beyond my 1st 10) not to let yourself be taken over by your emotions when you fall in love, although that’s much easier said than done:
11. Idealizing your beloved is a setup for eventual disappointment and grief. Perhaps nothing impels us to propose marriage more storngly (or to respond favorably to a proposal) than the euphoria we experienced during courtship. Yet such idealization involves sky-high expectations rarely corroborated by reality.
The reason marriage is regularly blamed for killing romantic love is that if you were blinded by amorous feelings earlier, you can’t help but become more clear-sighted once that beguiling relationship is domesticated. Eventually you’re forced to realize that your partner was never quite as “special” as—in your dreamy-eyed “love-sightedness”—you believed them to be.
Although it’s certainly a good thing to learn to unconditionally accept one’s mate, the almost unreserved acceptance typifying romantic love is based not on knowing your partner well but not knowing them well enough.
12. Much contemporary literature on romantic love stresses that, more isolated from our community than ever before, we’re looking for someone who can fulfill not simply our needs for sex and love but also for security, validation, companionship, empathy, support, adventure—and anything else we imagine would complete us and make up for our real or supposed deficiencies. Such overblown expectations can set us up for intense, prolonged disillusionment.
13. You’re seduced by your own hormones—particularly dopamine, which makes you greedy to spend as much time with your beloved as possible, and oxytocin, which generates a powerfully loving (or lustful) bond with them, as well as making you more relaxed and secure in their company. Also note that reflexively submitting to the “authority” of these happy neurochemicals can obscure more rational considerations.
14. When you’re in love you’re all too ready to make sacrifices for your beloved, which could consist of paying off their debts or relocating thousands of miles away to where they want to live or work. And that could entail leaving a job you love—although nowhere as much as your beloved. While in a sense your generosity is commendable, you may later regret such accommodations, especially if the relationship doesn’t pan out, as happens all too often. It can’t be emphasized enough that romantic interests ought to be balanced by (non-narcissistic) self-interests. But that can be a real challenge if you’re not sufficiently secure about being the other’s equal.
15. Obsessing about a partner is inherent to romantic love. Undeniably, though, it blurs other things you need to focus on, rendering you much more liable to make mistakes or forget things also demanding your attention. This is where your brain, hijacked by its immediate, so-seductive reward system, ends up betraying you.
16. Because romantic love commonly includes a near insatiable sexual component, as well as a certain libidinal disregard, the chances of contracting an STD or unwanted pregnancy constitute a real threat. And yet again, when emotions — and lust itself is much more emotional than rational — dominate your consciousness, mindful precautions protecting you can be ignored or overridden.
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17. An addictive attachment to the beloved is definitely bolstered by the euphoria accompanying the advent of romantic love. So you’ll likely crave more—and more—of these enticing, rhapsodic feelings. In such a captivated state, prudence and sound judgment may well take their leave. Moreover, to the extent your love addiction puts undue pressure on your love object, it can endanger the relationship itself.
18. When you can’t get thoughts of your beloved out of your head, it could keep you from falling asleep, wondering what they’re thinking about—and nervous that it might not be you. And if you’re experiencing this insecurity in your gut, it may affect your appetite, which itself can keep you up and make it harder for you to eat. While to look your best for your partner, you might prefer to drop a few pounds, it’s also possible that you really can’t afford to be losing weight either.
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Does It Matter if Your Partner Speaks Your Love Language? 19. The very obsessiveness of romantic love can lead to jealousy. And when there’s no evidence supporting your mistrust, it can border on the delusional. So if you’re insecure with low self-esteem and your partner seems overly warm and friendly toward someone else, you’ll suspect they’re being flirtatious, that they may be contemplating an affair with them, and that they may have had earlier flings that they’ve withheld from you, too.
Such suspiciousness can lead to extremely controlling and manipulative behavior, such as closely monitoring their whereabouts, endlessly texting or calling them—or even stalking them. By straining the relationship, these unjustified behaviors can hinder its survival.
20. Finally, it should be added that being gaslighted by another can be incredibly hurtful. And sadly, if you’re romantically entangled with a narcissist or a sociopathically disturbed individual, you’re especially susceptible to doubt your sanity as a result of their unprincipled machinations. Narcissists, for example, are notorious for pre-marriage “love bombing.” And once having secured your affections this way, they can—pontificating with the utmost authority—rationalize violating your boundaries and routinely blame you for all sorts of things you never said or did.
That about covers it. But I have no doubt that even with my issuing no fewer than 20 caveats about this ecstatic state, if you’ve ever been unlucky in love, you could probably add items of your own to this (worrisome) list.
© 2021 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.